Humans are funny creatures
We spend our days fighting each other over strips of land with borders visible only on maps and in our heads. We argue about where are are from (in a theological sense), and then bomb the crap out of people that disagree. Similarly, the civilised West screws each other over for the sake of bits of paper saying how much of a company you own.
And yet we all share one thing in common, one base instinct that drives us all. Nope, not sex. Nope, not love. Its having a poo
And if you don’t believe me, try driving out of London needing a poo vs driving out of London feeling a bit frisky. See, only one instinct wins there?
On my travels, I have noticed various trends in the whole realm of toilet ettiquette and standards. Broadly, standards are on the up. French service station toilets are generally immaculate, if not always well lit (curse you environmentally friendly lightbulbs). German ones are similar, and Luxembourgeon ones are clean and the services dirt cheap, which is why the car park is full of German, French and British people stocking up on coffee and chocolate as well as a tank of diesel
Toilets I do not like include:
Country pub toilets – Yes, I know this is the country, but can we just have some heating please? My equipment does not like the cold, and really needs to be warm to work at its best
Toilets at work – For the love of GOD gents, can you not flush, aim properly or flush? Yes I mentioned flush twice. I quite like some of the people I work with, but its quite upsetting to see the remnants of last nights dinner bobbing about in the water, and does make you hate them a bit. I’m sure the girls are the same, although it also appears to be a refuge for them to enable sobbing and the tail end of cat fights
Toilets at Airports – I haven’t checked my bag in yet, and peeing whilst trying to hang onto your suitcase is not fun. Worse still is using a cubicle, when it the point of almost no return, you discover you can’t get yourself and your suitcases into the little room. Bad
Toilets I do like include:
Hotel toilets, esp if I’m not resident. The vague thrill of marching through the foyer, using the facilities, stealing the expensive toiletries and then leaving is one of life’s pleasures
Toilets on planes – sadly only ever visited these on my own, but I harbor the idea that one day I may get to join the club. Although to be fair, the ones of the various crappy regional airlines I fly with aren’t big enough to poo comfortably in, let along get jiggy in. However, I am fascinated by what happens when you flush. BOOM! And it’s gone. Amazing. Like bonfire night
Any toilet where I’ve reached it on the sweating edge of wetting myself. Is there anything nicer than relieving oneself when you had got to the ‘Christ I may not make it’ stage?
Travelling for me revolves around a number of staple activities, and as I get older, one of them is the requirement for quality toilet facilities. It’s the one thing that unites us all as humans. Let us never forget that black or white, rich or poor, nothing beats the first wee of the day…